As I begin, it is almost noon. I am eating breakfast. Breakfast used to be really important to me. I have come to realize however that I should eat when I'm hungry and then not very much. Since arriving in Fresno, I've shed 35 pounds. I'm still not anything close to svelte, but am moderately healthy. None of that has anything to do with why I'm writing today. (Or does it? Maybe it will become clear later.) Almost noon does have relevance. I have been blah. I think it's been for a while. Yesterday brought it firmly and fully to my attention. There was even a why for all the failure of yesterday. Let me recount.
A journey began a few years ago. It has been a journey I sought. And therein lies the current problem. Past tense. My focus changed. Moving here was to provide an opportunity to pursue the potential of a business based on my journey. One would think that would provide inspiration and courage and all those wonderful positive words. Finding the household bank account deficient for paying bills would also be considered encouragement in the pursuit of a business. This morning I learned that is all wrong.
Yesterday, I took my middle class America background and carefully nurtured intellect and thought to apply it to my business. I have the tools. I'm developing the skills. I can mass produce. The result was five flute blanks turned into three potential flutes. One is completely trashed. The last, if it works at all, will likely find its way into my private collection. I tried a technique that sounded good in my head for one of the processes. It worked beautifully. Once. Subsequent attempts were dismal.
At the end of the day, I was frustrated, disappointed, dejected, blah. It came to me a couple hours later. I screwed up. Obviously the techniques I was using were relatively sound, they had worked before. But there was no way that my work yesterday would be productive, at least not fully. You see, I had told myself that morning that I need to honor Creator and Mother Earth and THEN begin work. I had done neither. By the time I had come back into the house, I was cold and sore and tired. The physical manifestation of the energy I had expended only heightened my sense of failure.
I awoke this morning in my usual routine. Which is not to say it is my proper routine. I had a morning routine in Rhode Island. It had nothing to do with preparing for the work day. It had nothing to do with making money. It had everything to do with preparing my Spirit in a manner consistent with my journey. Because I made proper morning preparation, my life was more fulfilling, or at least it seems so compared to what I feel now. I heard the voice that said, "Return to the beginning." Well, this is the beginning! I was born in Fresno! No, dummy, not that beginning. The beginning where this journey started. The beginning that is where the path that led to THIS point, to THIS situation, to THIS choice started. And so, I turned on the music.
Music has always been an important part of my life. Most of the time I use it to help me relax. There are certain pieces, certain artists, that have a different purpose. I need them to focus on where Creator and Mother Earth lead me. I need them to focus on MY Spirit. My inner turmoil needed to be suppressed. No, not suppressed, calmed. In order to do that, though, it was necessary to isolate and meditate. That's what the music does. It creates a barrier to the outside world and opens a doorway to another world. It allows me to hear Mother more clearly. It allows me to run around inside my head, seeing all the different angles and the shadows of them.
I was reminded by my daughter that "outside" is required. I haven't done nearly as much outside as I should. I have difficulty justifying the expense of gasoline when I provide no income. Outside in this apartment complex is less than stimulating to my Spirit. I could get on my bike and go to a more natural setting, but even the parks in this area feel artificial. No, I know a few places where I know I can reconnect with Creator and Mother. Two are California State Recreation Areas. Three are National Parks. I have annual passes to both the State Parks and the National Parks. I've barely used those passes. It's time I figure out how to optimize my expenditure and gain greatest benefit.
I was reminded by a national writer of articles, whom I respect, admire and care about, that I still have, "humor, insight and soul". I had replied to an article she wrote and one of her status lines at Facebook this morning. I guess parts of me still function. Oh yes, those would be the parts that were given to me as gifts by Creator and Mother Earth for the benefit of others. REVELATION!! I am at my best when my focus is outside myself.
That was the problem yesterday. I was focused on me. Maybe not specifically, but subconsciously. I have to make money. I have to build these things. I have to make it all work. While those things may be true, they're not the REASON. I had told myself several months ago that I needed a mission statement for my business. I then embarked on creating a stock of inventory. I still have no mission statement. How can I possibly develop a viable business if I don't know why I'm doing it? There are still things I need to do. I have photogrpahs to take, product to create, web site to create. I realized this morning that none of that will ever work the way it should if I don't know why.
I played my music. I lit the incense. My inner turmoil subsided. I realized I need to put these thoughts in a place where I can be reminded. The title of this entry is that reminder. I can look back at the list of entries and see this one, and remember the why. I am on a path. That path is a journey. It doesn't have a destination, but a purpose. That's the reason. That's the why. I am not here for myself. I am here for others.
Blessings, Love and Peace,
Laughing Bear
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